Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
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Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
can’t believe I got front row seats
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”