I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
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I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.