I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
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Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
Only a mother’s love …
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
This is a whole mood;
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH