Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
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I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
This is true.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]