“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
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Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful