One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
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Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
[shakes fist at other fist]
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so