who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
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Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*