Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
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[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.