Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
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Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”