Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
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Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan