1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
You Might Also Like
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole