Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
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men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
I wish I could veto my bills.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch