Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
You Might Also Like
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
(Musicians.)
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
necessity is the mother of invention
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……