Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
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If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.