Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.![]()
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My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Warm pools make me nervous.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
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Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.