Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
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I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.