[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
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“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
next question.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse