Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
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I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”