Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
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Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
A duv-egg? In this economy?
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”