tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
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Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
i did the math
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Just had my nails done!
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.