Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
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Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
I support this random dude and all his protests
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
twitter is a journey
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
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Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.