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“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
I love the National Park Service.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
i now pronounce you bounced.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.