Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
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When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
(Gaming support cat.)
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.