him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
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If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.