Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
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“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.