My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
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I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.