Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
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A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.