A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
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Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.