Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
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A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
me when the borders lift
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Whisper out to librarians!
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.