What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
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Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.