Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
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*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Always…