I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
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Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter