hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
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News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.