You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
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Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.