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Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore