ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
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This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.