I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
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Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Get in loser we’re going crying
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.