You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
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I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
I didn’t realize that was an option
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
My current situation
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
i really liked this one
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started