You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
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ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
But that’s none of my business
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.