I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
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I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
💯😂
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER