Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
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Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
i will not be silenced