[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
You Might Also Like
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape