I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
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The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
i wish i could marry a nap
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair