My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
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[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.