My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
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[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
oh no, steve’s working tonight
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Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
🤔😂😂
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Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Hey guys if anyone was thinking about asking me to cut their hair I’d strongly encourage against it and any further questions on that can be directed to my boyfriend who is now, as of 20 minutes ago, for reasons no one can quite pinpoint, more or less bald
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.