If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
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“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no