My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
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Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew