@howe007 If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
@xMonica13x My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
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@howe007 
@EndhooS “What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
@Social_Mime Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
@DurtMcHurtt [meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
@TheCatWhisprer You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
@MattRundle ’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
@ramblinma No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
@ripstiklesbian *brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
@FredTaming if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
@ieatanddrink Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no