@xMonica13x

My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.

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@howe007

If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.

@EndhooS

“What are you doing here?”

I just got fired from the circus

“Oh my”

Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond

@Social_Mime

Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes

@DurtMcHurtt

[meeting girlfriend at the park]

Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!

Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.

@TheCatWhisprer

You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.

@MattRundle

’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.

@ramblinma

No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.

@ripstiklesbian

*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy

@FredTaming

if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm

@ieatanddrink

Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no