my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
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*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
(2022)
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.