Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
You Might Also Like
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
We decided to have money instead of children.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
Danger is very dangerous
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*