Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
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Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.