I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
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-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.