My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
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I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
If only.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.