You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
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Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.