[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
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*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
You are what you delete.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”