14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
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my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*