Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
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People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal