Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
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I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
*limbos under the caution tape
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*